Violence against women has been a hot topic lately. I think a lot of important points are coming to light. I also think some people are blowing things out of proportion.

In response to the outcry of violence against women #NotAllMen has emerged. I really want to say that it is stupid and unnecessary, but alas, I cannot do that.
I would think that most rational people know that not all men are abusers. Not all men are creepy. Not all men.

Unfortunately, there is a small subset of radical feminists who insist that it is all men. That even if a man doesn’t engage in predatory behaviour himself, he is guilty by virtue of being a man.
I don’t understand this mentality. Do these women not have fathers, brothers, sons, friends? Surely they have not been victimized by everyone in their lives.
How can these people justify labelling someone as guilty based on gender? Imagine the outcry if it was reversed. Or if it was based on skin colour or ethnicity, or the colour of someone’s eyes.

Maybe….maybe, it would be possible to argue that all men have, at some point, inadvertently made a woman uncomfortable. However, I imagine that the reverse is true as well – that all women have made a man uncomfortable at some point. I know I have.
And really, some of that can be remedied by building up the confidence of women. In almost all cases if you tell a man that his comment, actions, etc made you uncomfortable, he will apologize and stop.

Men are not monsters. We need to stop treating them as such.

I’m at the age where some of my friends are going through separations and divorces. Of those with kids, I have noticed that their relationship timelines have all been very similar.

They met in their late-20s to mid-30s.

  • Engaged after a year or two.
Wedding
  • Buy a house
Try for kids – either get pregnant within a year, or struggle with fertility issues which culminate with IVF a few years later.
  • Have a second kid.

Then, when the youngest is 3-5 cracks start to emerge in the relationship.
That is not an exact timeline for each relationship.  Some had kids before getting married, some bought a house before they were married. But all those main events happened, with the first kid coming within 3-5 years of meeting. Or 5-7 years if IVF was involved.

I have a theory. Couples like this always have ‘a thing’ holding them together, something to stop incompatibility from coming to the surface.
The initial new relationship energy, being excited to be engaged, planing a wedding, buying a house, having a baby.
Then, when the youngest kid starts to become a tiny human and there is time for the relationship again the fundamental incompatibilities start to come to light.

In couples that were together for a decade or more before having kids, have experienced different dynamics within their relationship. They know how to change and adapt as a couple.
On the other hand, couples who had a child, or children, very early in their relationship (like me!), didn’t have an established dynamic pre-child so neither party is striving for ‘what used to be.

Don’t get me wrong, couples that have accident babies often don’t work out, but from my anecdotal experiences it seems that those splits happen while the child is still an infant.
And couples who have been together decades also split. They grow apart or whatever.
It just seems that the couples in my life that are currently going through a separation, most of them fit a similar trajectory.

Oh, safewords! One of the first things that many people believe is a “must” in any type of BDSM play. I am not disparaging of safewords, they cam be integral, but I truly believe that too many people in the BDSM community disregard the idea of plain language.

Plain language is just that – words mean words. If either partner says “stop” or “no more”, it means stop. Clearly, this wouldn’t work if you are engaging in any type of consensual non-consent (CNC), but it is particularly good for people who are new to these types of activities.

Many subs feel that they are somehow disappointing their Dom if they safeword (I am not an exception to this, even though logically I know it is not true. I still struggle to safeword). Some also feel that it is awkward to say a predefined safeword as it doesn’t feel natural in the moment – which some may argue is the point, that the safeword stands out. And that point is not wrong. I just want to suggest an alternative to the standard “you must ALWAYS have a safeword!” advice that is so often seen online.

I do believe there are some benefits to using plain language (perhaps in with a safeword as an added backup!) when starting out on the journey into BDSM. I have often found myself in relationships with vanilla men where I tried to introduce BDSM into our relationship, my partner was always afraid of hurting me. Which is an understandable concern, most people have been raised not to hurt others, and when they are not getting any inherent sexual enjoyment out of causing me pain it is difficult. Despite repeating over and over that I would use my safeword if things got to be too much, they all continued to struggle.

With my current husband, I moved to the idea of plain language and he felt much more comfortable. “Stop” and “Please no more” became my safewords. It was clear to him, there was no confusion.

Usually I lean towards the side of Men’s Rights over Feminism, as I don’t particularly like the way current feminism expresses itself. However, this thing in Atlanta is ridiculous. I will admit that I don’t really know the details, as I haven’t truly looked into it, but here are some thoughts based on my very limited knowledge.

It was a hate crime. He was targeting women because they were women. I don’t really think that is negotiable, so let’s call it what it is.
Unfortunately, I have seen some forum posts and articles from men complaining about this. Stating data that suggests that men are murdered at a higher rate than women. Yes, also a fact. But this isn’t a zero-sum game. We can look at this tragedy in isolation from others, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a social problem that needs to be addressed (regarding men being killed). Why try to detract from this?
While I sometimes come off hard on modern feminism, misogyny still exits and we can’t ignore it.

“He was having a bad day.” What the fuck kind of bullshit excuse is this? I’ve had really bad days too and I have never gone on a killing spree.
That being said, I do think a lot of men/boys are sexually frustrated, which creates anger, which is then taken out on women. It is not up to women to give these type of men an outlet, but I do think our culture needs to change. Teenage sexuality exists, we can’t pretend that it doesn’t.

I am sorry for this fairly incoherent, uneducated rant. But I needed to get it off my chest.
This was a tragedy, can we please stop trying to piss on each other to see what gender has it worse?

So, as a teenager I always assumed that I had sex for the first time at a relatively “normal” age, maybe the lower end of the spectrum, but nothing crazy. However, now when the conversation turns to sex with new friends, it seems that I was very young,

I was 15 when I had sex for the first time. My boyfriend at the time had just turned 16 and we had been together for almost a year. Prior to this, we had engaged in other sexual activities, including oral sex, but this was the first time we had PIV sex.
It was awful, we were both clumsy virgins.

Even though I knew that most of my friends weren’t sexually active, I did have a few close friends who were having sex with their partners. This is what led me to believe that I was fairly average when it came to losing my virginity.
I like to talk about sex, so I do often ask friends how old they were when they had sex for the first time, and it seems that most people I ask were in the 18-21 range. Which seems crazy to me!

Being a woman who is very open sexually and proud of who I am has been an interesting experience. It is both liberating and ostracizing. As an adult, I find it much more liberating because I know the people close to me know the real me, and they like me for me. However, it created a lot of conflict and angst when I was a teenager.

Apparently, I am intimidating. I have friends and co-workers who admit that they found me super intimidating when we first met – it is because I am outspoken and opinionated, and confident. Confident women often seem to be labelled intimidating.
For example, I took a first aid course over the weekend, while we were working with the CPR mannequins I opted not to use the stupid little cushion they provide to kneel on. The instructor was very concerned for me, repeatedly telling me that there was a cushion I could use. It eventually got to the point where I said that he had to walk away because it was taking all of my willpower not to say something sexually inappropriate (that it’s okay, I am used to being on my knees).
Well, when that happened, everyone else in the class looked at me awkwardly.

After that, most people in the class avoided eye contact with me – ostracizing.
On the other hand, if I was a man, there was no way that I would have been able to say that out loud without getting into trouble.

I say weird, inappropriate shit all the time. I am so thankful I own a vagina because I would easily have been fired from my job if I was a man.
I hate the double standard. Personally, I think society needs to loosen the fuck up.

My husband and I recently had an interesting conversation about jealousy – sparked by the Jealousy episode of Whore Rapport. The conversation evolved into the difference between envy and jealousy.
We both agree that there is a significant difference, but I’m not so sure others would agree.

Let’s start by looking at the definition of each.
Envy: noun; plural – envies
1. a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.
2. an object of such feeling;
Her intelligence made her the envy of her classmates

Jealousy: noun; plural – jealousies
1. resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.
2. Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. Vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. A jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

On first glance envy and jealousy are pretty synonymous, it is hard to argue against that, but there are a few subtle differences that I think are important.
Envy is discontent or covetousness whereas, jealousy is resentment.
Jealousy speaks to suspicion, fear, and rivalry.

My husband and I agree that jealousy is exclusion based – feeling left out of [thing[, and as a result not wanting others to have [thing] either. On the other hand, envy in more inclusive – wishing to be part of [thing] but holding no resentment.

Let’s look at an example.
My husband is my primary partner, but I have a secondary partner who is equally important to me. My secondary and I are long (very long) distance, we only get to see each other once a year and it usually involves traveling – which means that we go to some amazing places together.
Jealousy would be expressed through ultimatums or rules
– My husband saying that I can’t travel to meet my partner
– Saying that I can only travel to places my husband and I have already been together, as not to “ruin” a new place
– Only meeting in places that don’t interest my husband

Envy, on the other hand, is expressed entirely differently. My husband is envious of the travel I get to do with my partner, he would love to go to all these wonderful places with me. But, he is happy for me. There is no resentment, he doesn’t want to hold me back or make me unhappy. He also knows that he will have other experiences with, and without me.

Masculinity should not be demonized and femininity should not be victimized.

I am pretty sure I could write a whole post on just that sentence. It is fucking amazing!
There is so much to unpack in this conversation that there is no way that I will ever do it justice…. so just a few of my thoughts.

Throughout this whole podcast the focus on language is fascinating.
Helpless versus Vulnerable
Gentle versus Passive
Justice versus Retribution
I often get accused of being just a little bit pedantic – words mean words – so of course I find this interesting. Subtle differences in meaning or interpretation that can drastically change a persons perception. The idiom “Don’t mistake kindness for weakness” comes to mind here. It can be particularly relatable in terms of femininity – femininity is kindness, but it is not weak.

I had a bit of a personal epiphany at one point when the conversation is about having conversations about sex with friends, specifically in high school, in that it was easier to talk to their male friends about sex; because there was not the same judgement or competitiveness that was present when having the same conversations with female friends.
This made me think about my own life… I have always been more comfortable around men. I am still more comfortable around men than I am around women. It is true, I don’t feel as judged by men as I do by women. Sometimes it is weird passive-aggressive comments when a women learns that I am in an open/poly relationship, things like, “Oh, I better not let you be alone with my husband.” Seriously? I am (probably) not going to try and fuck your husband. And I am definitely not going to try and steal him from you.
Whereas, with men, this doesn’t happen. Men don’t immediately assume that I want to fuck them when they learn about my open relationship.

And, while we are on the topic of men wanting to fuck women.
It’s true, men are often afraid to compliment, or even speak to, a woman for fear of the reaction. I see it in online forums all the time where a woman is complaining that a man spoke to her and complimented her on [whatever], and she tried to shut the conversation down by saying that she had a boyfriend/husband.
Maybe the guy was just bored and making conversation. Maybe he did find you attractive, but had no intention of pursing it because he is in a relationship. Maybe lots of different things…. but the level of narcissism that some women display is astounding! Just because a guy talks to you doesn’t mean that he wants to fuck you.

On to dick size…
Are there actually women who care about penis size? It seems so fucking weird to me. To be fair, most of the men I have been with have been average sized, although my ex was quite well-endowed. In fact mutual friends of ours still (ten years later) ask me if it is true.
Sex has been enjoyable with any size penis. Depending on the exact structure certain positions were better with certain people… For example, with my husband I enjoy being on top or missionary (and variations thereof) but if he fucks me from behind it is not at all enjoyable for me, in fact it is quite painful. On the other hand, with my lover his penis curves up a bit and it is fantastic when he fucks me from behind. The downside to that is, is that it makes is a thousand times more difficult for me to deepthroat him during oral sex, whereas, I have no problem with my husband.

Let me start by saying that I am fairly racially ambiguous, but I am clearly “not white.”
I also grew up, and live in, a very liberal, progressive part of the world so my experiences will be vastly different from what a person would experience in other parts of the world.

Racism exists. There is no denying that. However, I feel that too many people jump to racism as a conclusion with no evidence. Just because a person is an asshole/rude/mean to a person of colour or ethnic minority does not mean they are racist, maybe they are just an asshole.
I struggle to empathize with people who insist that racism is the cause of negative interactions without any other information to go on. Is there a pattern of shitty behaviour towards minorities? Maybe, but often in isolated incidents past behaviour is unknown…. so we cant just assume racism.
Is it overt? Does the person say something that is explicitly racist? No….? Then we can’t jump straight to racism.

Personally, I have never felt that I have been treated differently because of my race (and I look most like a very marginalized type of people – although, I am actually something different). I have had negative interactions with people, and later, while recounting these interactions to others, some people have suggested that they were racially motivated. I have never assumed that, if anything I just assume the other person is an asshole. I mean, it’s possible they are a racist asshole, but I can’t confirm that and it isn’t safe to just assume that.

I have had this conversation with a lot of people. Most people seem to agree with my perspective, yet, there continues to be a persistence in jumping to racial motivation. Emotionally, it is easier, it makes sense, racism allows people to blame others rather than look at their own behaviour.
I believe that if we look at each of these interaction critically, and determine which ones are actually racially motivated, it will be easier to stop or minimize racism. We would be able to deal with individuals, organizations, or policies that are racist rather than dealing with things that might be racist.

I am sure there have been times that I have been treated differently because of my ethnicity…. But that is not the reason I jump to. And I am glad that it’s not, if it was, it would be so easy to be angry at the world. To have little faith in humanity…

What do they mean to you?
Are they empowering? Demeaning? Irrelevant?
Does it matter who they come from?

Honestly, I had an idea for this topic but when I started thinking about it, my thoughts have snowballed into a million different tangents, so I am not sure where we will end up. Let’s just start with some word vomit and see what happens.

Lets start from the beginning….
Like many teenagers, I used to work in retail, at an establishment that was frequented mostly by blue-collar men. I had a great time, most of the customers were lovely, however, a lot of these guys – especially the older men – would refer to me as “honey”, or “love”, or “dear”. And I hated it. It felt so demeaning, like these men couldn’t respect me for being me; like all they saw was a little girl.
So when I started dating my husband and he had a habit of calling female servers “love” I couldn’t believe it. Broke him of that habit real quick! Telling him that women do not enjoy that shit. He disagreed, but stopped to appease me.

Now, looking back on it, who the fuck am I to speak for all women? Personally, I hate it when men I don’t know call me pet names in a casual way like that. Maybe some women like it, I mean I like getting catcalled.
I don’t like it, but the men that do it don’t mean any harm by it and it doesn’t cause me any harm to suck it up and let them call me “love”. On the other hand, maybe it makes another woman’s day. Makes her feel seen. Desired. Boosts her confidence. Who am I to take that away from someone?

On an entirely different note, what about the role of terms of endearment in relationships?
My lover will refer to me as “his girl” or “his whore”. I find one empowering and sexy, and the other mildly demeaning (which is the purpose, and which I have consented to).
He uses “my girl” when I am sad, depressed, or something is wrong. It is to show that he cares, that he loves me and that he will take care of me. On the other hand, I am only “his whore” when he wants me to feel powerful, confident, and sexual.

Well, this has been all over the place, but I am okay with that.