Being a woman who is very open sexually and proud of who I am has been an interesting experience. It is both liberating and ostracizing. As an adult, I find it much more liberating because I know the people close to me know the real me, and they like me for me. However, it created a lot of conflict and angst when I was a teenager.

Apparently, I am intimidating. I have friends and co-workers who admit that they found me super intimidating when we first met – it is because I am outspoken and opinionated, and confident. Confident women often seem to be labelled intimidating.
For example, I took a first aid course over the weekend, while we were working with the CPR mannequins I opted not to use the stupid little cushion they provide to kneel on. The instructor was very concerned for me, repeatedly telling me that there was a cushion I could use. It eventually got to the point where I said that he had to walk away because it was taking all of my willpower not to say something sexually inappropriate (that it’s okay, I am used to being on my knees).
Well, when that happened, everyone else in the class looked at me awkwardly.

After that, most people in the class avoided eye contact with me – ostracizing.
On the other hand, if I was a man, there was no way that I would have been able to say that out loud without getting into trouble.

I say weird, inappropriate shit all the time. I am so thankful I own a vagina because I would easily have been fired from my job if I was a man.
I hate the double standard. Personally, I think society needs to loosen the fuck up.

Masculinity should not be demonized and femininity should not be victimized.

I am pretty sure I could write a whole post on just that sentence. It is fucking amazing!
There is so much to unpack in this conversation that there is no way that I will ever do it justice…. so just a few of my thoughts.

Throughout this whole podcast the focus on language is fascinating.
Helpless versus Vulnerable
Gentle versus Passive
Justice versus Retribution
I often get accused of being just a little bit pedantic – words mean words – so of course I find this interesting. Subtle differences in meaning or interpretation that can drastically change a persons perception. The idiom “Don’t mistake kindness for weakness” comes to mind here. It can be particularly relatable in terms of femininity – femininity is kindness, but it is not weak.

I had a bit of a personal epiphany at one point when the conversation is about having conversations about sex with friends, specifically in high school, in that it was easier to talk to their male friends about sex; because there was not the same judgement or competitiveness that was present when having the same conversations with female friends.
This made me think about my own life… I have always been more comfortable around men. I am still more comfortable around men than I am around women. It is true, I don’t feel as judged by men as I do by women. Sometimes it is weird passive-aggressive comments when a women learns that I am in an open/poly relationship, things like, “Oh, I better not let you be alone with my husband.” Seriously? I am (probably) not going to try and fuck your husband. And I am definitely not going to try and steal him from you.
Whereas, with men, this doesn’t happen. Men don’t immediately assume that I want to fuck them when they learn about my open relationship.

And, while we are on the topic of men wanting to fuck women.
It’s true, men are often afraid to compliment, or even speak to, a woman for fear of the reaction. I see it in online forums all the time where a woman is complaining that a man spoke to her and complimented her on [whatever], and she tried to shut the conversation down by saying that she had a boyfriend/husband.
Maybe the guy was just bored and making conversation. Maybe he did find you attractive, but had no intention of pursing it because he is in a relationship. Maybe lots of different things…. but the level of narcissism that some women display is astounding! Just because a guy talks to you doesn’t mean that he wants to fuck you.

On to dick size…
Are there actually women who care about penis size? It seems so fucking weird to me. To be fair, most of the men I have been with have been average sized, although my ex was quite well-endowed. In fact mutual friends of ours still (ten years later) ask me if it is true.
Sex has been enjoyable with any size penis. Depending on the exact structure certain positions were better with certain people… For example, with my husband I enjoy being on top or missionary (and variations thereof) but if he fucks me from behind it is not at all enjoyable for me, in fact it is quite painful. On the other hand, with my lover his penis curves up a bit and it is fantastic when he fucks me from behind. The downside to that is, is that it makes is a thousand times more difficult for me to deepthroat him during oral sex, whereas, I have no problem with my husband.

Apart from the fact that my mom is just super awesome, I have her to thank for so much. The older I get, the more I appreciate how she raised me. She didn’t only empower me, she did so many little things that didn’t disempower me.
As a kid, I was never told that I couldn’t do something because I was a girl. I would hear other girls say that and I would just be confused, I didn’t understand how being a girl was relevant. Now, however, I see how that shaped the personality of a lot of women – being afraid to walk alone at night because they are female; not believing that they can use power tools well because they are female.

I was a tomboy (hell, I still am). I liked to play in dirt, I ate worms, I climbed trees, I played with cars and firecrackers. I was never told that I wasn’t allowed to do those things, I was just told to be careful. When I got hurt, I was treated just like the boys and told to “walk it off”, unless it was a serious injury. I never got in trouble for getting hurt, in less I was actually being careless or negligent. I was never discouraged from going back to marginally dangerous activities (think: climbing and jumping out of trees).
I can’t even imagine how differently my life would have been if my mom had brought stupid gender stereotypes into it.

I was never taught that I would be victimized because I was a girl. Yes, there are certain precautions to take to avoid being victimized, but men have to take precautions too, maybe different ones, but still. Just because I am a girl didn’t mean that I couldn’t stand up for myself, or protect myself. Nor did it mean that I had to limit my opportunities in order to stay safe.
When I was 19 there was a man sexually assaulting women in my neighbourhood, he would hide in the bushes and accost women walking alone at night, he would then grope and molest them. He had been doing this for about 3 weeks. I went out one night with my then boyfriend and got super drunk(!), and walked home from the bus stop around 2am.
My mother knew that I was going out to the bar and would likely be intoxicated when I came home. She didn’t tell me not to drink because of this guy. She didn’t tell me not to go. She told me to be careful and to call her if I needed anything.
I was careful. While walking on the quiet side streets, I walked up the middle of the road. That way, if this guy tried to come out of the bushes, I would have some reaction time to run away or prepare to fight him.

I love that example because I continue to live my life, I will walk along at night in seedy areas. I am always careful, I am always alert, but I am not afraid. Sure, I could still get victimized in some way, but that is a risk I am willing to take, I don’t want to miss out on life.
It would have been so easy for my mom to instill fear in me. She could have repeatedly brought up the cases of sexual assault. She could have told me over and over that she was worried about me being out alone at night. She could have asked if going out was really worth it. But she didn’t she empowered me to make my own choices, and let me trust my judgement.

How many of you clicked on this prepared to be angry? Yeah, it’s a shitty clickbait title, but hear me out…. There is a weird, pervasive belief in our culture that this is true. Despite claims to the contrary, current social climate suggests that women are incapable of making their own decisions.

I’ll admit, I don’t have the time or energy to research many of the topics that I write about, I like to write anecdotally. It is a bit of a weakness, especially since I am often trying to convince people to see my side of things… I accept that. One thing I am always telling people is that just because something is being portrayed a certain way, doesn’t mean it is that way – the vocal minority is often the loudest, but it doesn’t always represent what most people think.
So, on that note, I will admit that this may be me getting irrationally angry at the vocal minority and maybe most cases don’t go this way – God, I hope that is the case.

Back to why men are cognitively superior to women…..
Consent. Why can men consent when they are drunk, but women can’t? I don’t mean if a person had been drugged, or given alcohol without their consent, I am referring to times when a woman chooses to consume alcohol to the point of intoxication. While intoxicated, this woman decides to have sex with a man she just met. Consensual sex.
The next morning, she thinks she made a mistake… she isn’t the type to have one-night stands, or maybe she just doesn’t find the guy physically attractive. As far as I am concerned, she had regrettable sex; she made a stupid decision while drunk.

However, it seems that in today’s social climate it is A-okay for this woman to claim that she was raped. That she was drunk, and therefore could not consent.
Maybe there are situations where this is true.
Was she passed out?
Was she so drunk that she was incoherent and about to pass out?
Was she very drunk while he was completely sober?
If the answer to all of those questions is “no”, then she is capable of consenting. This seems especially true if the guy was also drunk – did they rape each other? If he regrets his decision in the morning, no one suggests that she took advantage of him! So what makes men cognitively superior that they are capable of not only consenting to sex while drunk, but being responsible for ensuring that the woman is sober enough to consent herself.

This whole belief that women can’t consent when they are drunk infantilizes and disempowers women. It makes the assumption that women don’t have agency over their own behaviour.
We have all made stupid choices when we are drunk, but that doesn’t mean we are incapable of making good ones.

I have had regrettable drunk sex. It was a learning experience.
I have had people tell me that I was raped because of this…. First off, don’t victimize me. I am not a victim, I don’t feel like a victim, I am not traumatized. Let me experience things the way that I want to experience them. Secondly, people equating my shitty decision making to rape invalidates the true victims of a horrific crime.

This is a controversial topic for me, I understand both sides of the argument.
Let’s begin by defining what I am talking about….
The sexualization of women. Men looking at women, ogling them, leering at them, you know, that kind of thing. Sometimes it is overt, sometimes it is subtle. Sometimes it is undressing a woman with their eyes; sometimes it is appreciating beauty.

On one hand, I don’t think that women should be made to feel uncomfortable just for existing. And, some men are fucking creepy when checking out a woman! Women should be able to exist comfortably and be able to go out in public dressed in a way that makes them feel good without having to worry about creepy dudes.
But this doesn’t mean that women shouldn’t be sexualized. Women are beautiful, people should be able to appreciate this beauty. A woman wearing a well fitting top that accentuates her breasts should feel good, and others should be able to appreciate her confidence and beauty. Yes, this means they will look at her and probably have a thought like, “nice tits.”
Appropriate appreciation, and sexualization, of beauty doesn’t have to be creepy.

I will admit, when it is warm out I am fond of summer dresses that are just a little too short paired with heels that are a little too high (I am five-foot-eight, there is no reason I need to be wearing five and half inch heels!); in the cooler months my clothes are still quite form-fitting and often low-cut. I like the attention, I like the looks – not the creepy ones, but I do notice men (and women) taking a second look, looking me up and down, giving a subtle nod of approval. I want to know what these men are imagining… fantasizing about me. It’s good for the ego.

So I get it… that type of behaviour makes some women uncomfortable. I do think that as a society we should be making a stand against the creepy ogling and leering, but also that our society needs to look at ways to improve the self-esteem and self-confidence of women so that they can appreciate the subtle appreciation of their sexuality and beauty. Just because a man looks at a women and has some sexual appreciation for her does not make him a creep, it makes him human.
It isn’t black and white.

I was planning on saving this, waiting until some of my thoughts became more coherent, however, I think this is a good time following my rant on being called a gender traitor.

Like I mentioned in the previous post, I am submissive. And I am proud of that, there is no weakness in submission.
I wish I could find some reference material (not that I looked very hard), but I often hear that submissive men are powerful in their day-to-day life, that submission is a way to release, a way to finally relinquish control to someone else. Less often, I hear the same about submissive women. When it comes to women seems to be referred to as the “Alpha submissive”.
My Dom (which is not my husband, and we are in a long-distance relationship) is attracted to these kind of women. Intelligent, independent, strong… women who choose to submit, because that submission is a choice, a gift to be cherished.

Now, I can only speak to my own personal experiences… but which came first the chicken or the egg? Being submissive or being powerful in day-to-day life?
The common narrative suggests that powerful, strong, independent, intimidating is the natural personality of the submissive and submission is a way to decompress. I am sure that may be true for some people, but that narrative never really sat well with me. It was only recently that I realized why.

I was a shy kid, not really a leader, but I had enough confidence to say no if something was going down that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was opinionated, but too shy to speak up. When I was a teenager I started to realize my interest in BDSM and recognize my submissive streak.
This was a problem. At first, I had a hard time reconciling my submissive nature and my feminism. I believed that men and women should be equal so why was it so arousing to think of a man overpowering and dominating me? I began to view my submissiveness as weakness. The fact that I was reserved and shy meant that everyone must be able to see that I was submissive, right? Fuck, I had better find a way to hide this from people.

Fake it ’til you make it!
So I did. I faked confidence. I became outspoken and adopted a “fuck you” approach, I wasn’t going to do something just because I was told to, I would only do it if I agreed with the reasoning behind it. You say jump, I ask why?
I won’t lie, this approach has served me well in my life. And I am not faking it any more, it is who I am. But I am also submissive.
In my 20s I was finally able to reconcile the fact that I can be submissive to those I choose to submit to, while still holding respect and power in the rest of my life.

So, I wonder, how many other submissives feel this way? How many of us became powerful and respected in order to hide our submissive tendencies from other people? Yes submission is a way to let go and relinquish that control in a safe environment, but it is an integral part of who I am and how I identify.

This isn’t even a clickbait title, I got called a gender traitor today, and it wasn’t the first time.
Hardcore feminism today seems to have this notion that equality is only achieved when women are more powerful than men. This makes the battle between the sexes a zero-sum game; men were in the position of power for so long, now it is the time of women. Personally, this seems like a ridiculous concept. Why do men have to lose for women to gain?
These beliefs are the result of the hive-mind. I think that individually most people are rational and understand that equality is what is important and that there may be different ways to achieve that but, I digress…

I consider myself to be a pretty decent adult, I have a job, a kid, a house, you know… responsibilities that I take care of; I don’t need a partner in order to function in life. People respect me at my job, I am a leader, I stand up for people. So many of the things that I believe are essential to feminism at its core.
I am also kinky, into some pretty heavy BDSM, and I am strangely open about it. People I work with know – not the details, but some generalities. I was having a more in-depth conversation with a new woman at work and she asked for some specifics (and who am I not to share?). Well, the specifics are that I am pretty into 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) lifestyle (my husband is not, so I don’t get to practice this, but it would be an ideal for me).
We talked about what I would want in this lifestyle, which in a lot of ways would look like a 1950’s dynamic. I want to be responsible for most of the household chores, while my partner would get to sit and relax after work; I want to be punished if I don’t get those chores done. I want to have to ask permission to go out with my friends, and I want a curfew. I want my partner to be able to use me sexually when he wants without the ability to say no. And more…
Of course, I play responsibly! There would always be a safeword, therefore an element of consent. And I would only engage in this lifestyle with someone who I trust completely. Someone who respects me, my intelligence, and my independence.

Well, let me tell you, she was not thrilled to hear about my proclivities. The indigniation about how my choices set women back!
Fuck you!
They are my choices. I am free to choose whatever the fuck I want. Don’t tell me it’s “the patriarchy” making me believe that is what I want. Don’t infantilize me, I am a full-grown adult, capable of making my own fucking decisions.
Despite the fact that I want a 24/7 TPE domestic discipline lifestyle, I would never tolerate anyone telling me to be a housewife – that is not a life for me (but I have so much respect for women that can be a housewife/stay at home mom, I love my kiddo, but I need to work). I choose to submit, in a lot of ways, but I will never give up my independence.

Somewhere along the line, some feminists have lost sight of the fact that feminism is about equality, and that means the right to choose. If a woman chooses to stay at home and be financially dependant on her husband that is her right. It is equally as valid as the woman being the breadwinner while her husband stays home to take care of the children. Or maybe they both work and pay for a nanny. Who the fuck cares? As long as people are making the choices that are right for them.

It’s no secret that most teenagers consume pornography, especially in today’s digital age. Personally, I don’t think it is a terrible thing; I started looking at porn when I was thirteen or so. Yes, yes… porn isn’t necessarily indicative of real sex and that is a conversation that needs to be had with teenagers.
What that means though, is that society needs to accept that teenagers are consuming pornography. That is step one to opening a conversation.

I had a thought the other day, in most countries the age of consent (to have sex) is between 14 and 17, but the age at which individuals can legally consume pornography is 18 or 21.
What the actual fuck? So you are telling me that a 17 year old can legally have sex, but they can’t watch porn. Granted, porn is not the best educational material, but it is better than nothing which is what most kids get these days.

Personally, I think it makes a lot of sense to lower the age in which to view porn to something more in line with age of consent. 16 maybe? Younger?
I imagine that one would still legally have to be an adult in order to make pornography. But on that note, can we stop prosecuting children for manufacturing and distributing child pornography in which they are their own victim.

When will common sense prevail?

I am not in America, nor am I American, but as the owner of a vagina I can’t help but pay attention to the fact that abortion rights may soon not be protected. Which is fucking insane! It’s 2020… I don’t understand how or why this is a fucking issue still. But, I digress….

Let’s talk about the reproductive responsibility of men.

I am well aware that it takes two to tango. An accidental pregnancy has life changing effects for at least two people, yet the woman is the only one who gets to have a choice about parenthood. I am not suggesting that a woman needs to have the father’s permission to get an abortion, that is fucking absurd. If a woman doesn’t want to go through pregnancy and/or birth, she has every right to make that choice. If the man wants the baby, that is unfortunate for him, but until men can create a tiny human that right belongs solely to women.

However, I do think men should be able to opt out of parenthood as well. Some of the logistics get a bit gray because I haven’t thought everything through yet.
Theoretically, I think men should have until the woman is 12 weeks pregnant to opt out of any parental responsibility – financial or otherwise.
Why 12 weeks? Because generally that is the point to where a woman can easily access an abortion.
I’d love to say up to 20 weeks, but late-term abortions can be difficult to acquire. So that being said, there may be cases in which a man is able to opt out up to this point.

What about the cases where the man isn’t aware of the pregnancy until after the birth of the child?
Honestly, I don’t know. I told you…. I haven’t thought everything through.

I have presented this argument to people before who seem to brush it off with, “well, you would think differently if it happened to you.”
No. I wouldn’t. Do you know why I know this? Because it happened to me.

My kid was an accident. Her father wanted me to get an abortion, I couldn’t do it for my own reasons (although I am 100% pro-choice, and have gone with friends to have the procedure done). He didn’t want the baby, but I could force it on him and at the very least he would be partially financially responsible for this child for 18 years.
That didn’t sit right with me.
So, I told him that he had until I was 12 weeks pregnant to decide. If he chose to leave me, then I would raise the child by myself and not ask anything of him. Although I did say that if/when the child asked about their father I would provide his information to the child.

I won’t lie, it was a stressful week or two, but I had made my choice and it was only fair that I gave him time to make his.

Recently, I watched this TED Talk by Tarana Burke. I watched it at a volunteer gig of mine with some at-risk youth at a workshop on consent.
I was the first person to put up my hand upon completion of the video, and it was to say that I had a HUGE problem with Ms. Burke’s message about ending sexual violence. Cue awkward pause, and one of the presenters finally managing to stammer out, “Really? Why…?
(Yes, I may have been going for the dramatic entrance here… it’s just what I do)

I responded that I absolutely did not want an end to sexual violence. No one wanted an end to sexual violence (pause for dramatic effect). People, including myself, want an end to non-consensual sexual violence.
Lots of people like rough sex.
Lots of people enjoy BDSM, from the mildest to the most hardcore and taboo activities.
These are forms of sexual violence. I know people who use BDSM and consensual non-consent as a way to work through past sexual trauma.

A brief moment after my monologue (which was much longer and contained many more thoughts), one of the presenters suggested that Ms. Burke meant non-consensual sexual violence and that the watcher was to infer that from her talk.

I agree. Wholeheartedly.
Perhaps it is because I am a bit pedantic, but I think it is important to specify that one means non-consensual sexual violence and not just sexual violence. I can see well-meaning groups working towards a world without sexual violence and in the process criminalizing consensual activities between adults and further traumatizing some people.

Just my thoughts. I do think we need to work towards a world without sexual assault. I think we need to empower people, men and women, to be able to say and respect the word no. But eradicating sexual violence is not the way.