Last week I wrote about the use of safewords versus the use of plain language. Today, I want to get a little more personal with it.

COVID means it has been a long time since I have seen my Dom in person. We always knew that we would see each other infrequently as we live on different continents, but it has been over a year and it looks like it will be another year before we see each other again. Neither of us is into online play so as it stands we don’t have much of a dynamic right now, but that let’s us explore our nuances on a much deeper level.

Admittedly, I have an almost impossible time safewording if I need to. Like many, I feel immense guilt and shame if I have to safeword. Which is ridiculous, because the advice I give to anyone else is that there is no shame in safewording, in fact, it makes you a more trustworthy submissive. So, I am a hypocrite, I get it. Part of the reason that I struggle is that it just feels unnatural to yell out RED, I want to be able to say something that sounds natural in the moment. Yes, I realize that the problem with this is that it makes it so much more difficult for the Dom to pick up on.

I have a safeword. We use the standard traffic light system. But, we have had many a conversation about this and the next time we are together we will also use some plain language. “Stop” will also become a safeword.
The reason that I am not comfortable with relying only on plain language is that I know I often say, “please no more,” and, “I can’t…” which does not mean stop. So there does need to be a backup in case he doesn’t pick up on the natural phrase, and that is on me. We will work together to come up with a system that works for us.

On top of all of that, because the relationship dynamic that we both desire is one of domestic discipline, I get real punishments. In theory, I don’t want to be able to safeword to get out of a punishment, but in reality, I know that a safeword is still necessary in case of true injury, a medical emergency, etc.
While some people will be vehemently against this, we have decided that there can be consequences for disingenuously safewording. I will never be in trouble for safewording if something is actually wrong, however, if I use my safeword (including “Stop”), just to get out of a punishment, then yes, there will be consequences. It is a huge gray area and we will continue to re-evaluate this after each occurrence, but for now it is what works for us.

While I am not active in the online BDSM community, I do lurk in a few forums and, too often, I have seen personals stating ‘No limits’. Sometimes from subs to say they have no limits, and sometimes from Doms looking for a sub with no limits. It is concerning, but I believe that much of it comes from poor communication and a misunderstanding of the term.

I will say that a Dom looking for a sub with no limits is someone to run from. It is a huge red flag that this is a person who will be abusive and not respect the limits/boundaries of the submissive partner. This isn’t to say that all Doms that mention no limits are like that, it just seems like a unnecessary risk to take.

As for submissives who say they have no limits. I get it. I really do… the fantasy of being 100% under someone else’s control is hot as fuck! But it just isn’t realistic.

This may seem crazy to some but, no limits means that the submissive would accept being permanently hurt, disfigured, etc. Or that they would engage in unethical/illegal behaviours just to satisfy the D/s aspect of the relationship.

I am someone that wants a 24/7 D/s relationship and I strive to have as few limits as possible with my Dom. That being said, I am comfortable saying that because his hard limits and mine are very aligned. Not withstanding the obvious…. animals, kids, non-consenting parties, etc. Neither of us are into coprophilia, blood play, water sports, and the list goes on. So for the sake of simplicity when we talk I refer to working towards ‘no limits’ with him, but that is because I know that the limits we have are aligned and I don’t need to worry about him breaking them.

I do have a few limits that differ from him. The most glaring example is that he has a fantasy which involves another woman, and this woman and I would switch with each other. While I do have some switch tendencies, especially with women, I cannot wrap my head around Domming a woman, then later submitting to the same woman. But, this is something that I am potentially willing to explore at some point – but that point is still far off in the future.

Jumping into a BDSM relationship with ‘no limits’ is a terrifying concept! The fantasy is hot. Hell, even working towards pushing some limits into non-existence is hot, but that is a process that will span years of a relationship. Take your time, enjoy the process, build the required trust!

Doms: saying that you are looking for a sub with no limits is terrifying. It screams abuse. Not to mention, I am sure you, as a Dom, also have limits. That is okay…. encouraged even.
Subs: pretending that you have ‘no limits’ is not sexy and attractive. It will not make you more attractive to potential Doms. Respect yourself and your existence.

This isn’t even a clickbait title, I got called a gender traitor today, and it wasn’t the first time.
Hardcore feminism today seems to have this notion that equality is only achieved when women are more powerful than men. This makes the battle between the sexes a zero-sum game; men were in the position of power for so long, now it is the time of women. Personally, this seems like a ridiculous concept. Why do men have to lose for women to gain?
These beliefs are the result of the hive-mind. I think that individually most people are rational and understand that equality is what is important and that there may be different ways to achieve that but, I digress…

I consider myself to be a pretty decent adult, I have a job, a kid, a house, you know… responsibilities that I take care of; I don’t need a partner in order to function in life. People respect me at my job, I am a leader, I stand up for people. So many of the things that I believe are essential to feminism at its core.
I am also kinky, into some pretty heavy BDSM, and I am strangely open about it. People I work with know – not the details, but some generalities. I was having a more in-depth conversation with a new woman at work and she asked for some specifics (and who am I not to share?). Well, the specifics are that I am pretty into 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) lifestyle (my husband is not, so I don’t get to practice this, but it would be an ideal for me).
We talked about what I would want in this lifestyle, which in a lot of ways would look like a 1950’s dynamic. I want to be responsible for most of the household chores, while my partner would get to sit and relax after work; I want to be punished if I don’t get those chores done. I want to have to ask permission to go out with my friends, and I want a curfew. I want my partner to be able to use me sexually when he wants without the ability to say no. And more…
Of course, I play responsibly! There would always be a safeword, therefore an element of consent. And I would only engage in this lifestyle with someone who I trust completely. Someone who respects me, my intelligence, and my independence.

Well, let me tell you, she was not thrilled to hear about my proclivities. The indigniation about how my choices set women back!
Fuck you!
They are my choices. I am free to choose whatever the fuck I want. Don’t tell me it’s “the patriarchy” making me believe that is what I want. Don’t infantilize me, I am a full-grown adult, capable of making my own fucking decisions.
Despite the fact that I want a 24/7 TPE domestic discipline lifestyle, I would never tolerate anyone telling me to be a housewife – that is not a life for me (but I have so much respect for women that can be a housewife/stay at home mom, I love my kiddo, but I need to work). I choose to submit, in a lot of ways, but I will never give up my independence.

Somewhere along the line, some feminists have lost sight of the fact that feminism is about equality, and that means the right to choose. If a woman chooses to stay at home and be financially dependant on her husband that is her right. It is equally as valid as the woman being the breadwinner while her husband stays home to take care of the children. Or maybe they both work and pay for a nanny. Who the fuck cares? As long as people are making the choices that are right for them.