Last week I wrote about the use of safewords versus the use of plain language. Today, I want to get a little more personal with it.

COVID means it has been a long time since I have seen my Dom in person. We always knew that we would see each other infrequently as we live on different continents, but it has been over a year and it looks like it will be another year before we see each other again. Neither of us is into online play so as it stands we don’t have much of a dynamic right now, but that let’s us explore our nuances on a much deeper level.

Admittedly, I have an almost impossible time safewording if I need to. Like many, I feel immense guilt and shame if I have to safeword. Which is ridiculous, because the advice I give to anyone else is that there is no shame in safewording, in fact, it makes you a more trustworthy submissive. So, I am a hypocrite, I get it. Part of the reason that I struggle is that it just feels unnatural to yell out RED, I want to be able to say something that sounds natural in the moment. Yes, I realize that the problem with this is that it makes it so much more difficult for the Dom to pick up on.

I have a safeword. We use the standard traffic light system. But, we have had many a conversation about this and the next time we are together we will also use some plain language. “Stop” will also become a safeword.
The reason that I am not comfortable with relying only on plain language is that I know I often say, “please no more,” and, “I can’t…” which does not mean stop. So there does need to be a backup in case he doesn’t pick up on the natural phrase, and that is on me. We will work together to come up with a system that works for us.

On top of all of that, because the relationship dynamic that we both desire is one of domestic discipline, I get real punishments. In theory, I don’t want to be able to safeword to get out of a punishment, but in reality, I know that a safeword is still necessary in case of true injury, a medical emergency, etc.
While some people will be vehemently against this, we have decided that there can be consequences for disingenuously safewording. I will never be in trouble for safewording if something is actually wrong, however, if I use my safeword (including “Stop”), just to get out of a punishment, then yes, there will be consequences. It is a huge gray area and we will continue to re-evaluate this after each occurrence, but for now it is what works for us.

Oh, safewords! One of the first things that many people believe is a “must” in any type of BDSM play. I am not disparaging of safewords, they cam be integral, but I truly believe that too many people in the BDSM community disregard the idea of plain language.

Plain language is just that – words mean words. If either partner says “stop” or “no more”, it means stop. Clearly, this wouldn’t work if you are engaging in any type of consensual non-consent (CNC), but it is particularly good for people who are new to these types of activities.

Many subs feel that they are somehow disappointing their Dom if they safeword (I am not an exception to this, even though logically I know it is not true. I still struggle to safeword). Some also feel that it is awkward to say a predefined safeword as it doesn’t feel natural in the moment – which some may argue is the point, that the safeword stands out. And that point is not wrong. I just want to suggest an alternative to the standard “you must ALWAYS have a safeword!” advice that is so often seen online.

I do believe there are some benefits to using plain language (perhaps in with a safeword as an added backup!) when starting out on the journey into BDSM. I have often found myself in relationships with vanilla men where I tried to introduce BDSM into our relationship, my partner was always afraid of hurting me. Which is an understandable concern, most people have been raised not to hurt others, and when they are not getting any inherent sexual enjoyment out of causing me pain it is difficult. Despite repeating over and over that I would use my safeword if things got to be too much, they all continued to struggle.

With my current husband, I moved to the idea of plain language and he felt much more comfortable. “Stop” and “Please no more” became my safewords. It was clear to him, there was no confusion.

While I am not active in the online BDSM community, I do lurk in a few forums and, too often, I have seen personals stating ‘No limits’. Sometimes from subs to say they have no limits, and sometimes from Doms looking for a sub with no limits. It is concerning, but I believe that much of it comes from poor communication and a misunderstanding of the term.

I will say that a Dom looking for a sub with no limits is someone to run from. It is a huge red flag that this is a person who will be abusive and not respect the limits/boundaries of the submissive partner. This isn’t to say that all Doms that mention no limits are like that, it just seems like a unnecessary risk to take.

As for submissives who say they have no limits. I get it. I really do… the fantasy of being 100% under someone else’s control is hot as fuck! But it just isn’t realistic.

This may seem crazy to some but, no limits means that the submissive would accept being permanently hurt, disfigured, etc. Or that they would engage in unethical/illegal behaviours just to satisfy the D/s aspect of the relationship.

I am someone that wants a 24/7 D/s relationship and I strive to have as few limits as possible with my Dom. That being said, I am comfortable saying that because his hard limits and mine are very aligned. Not withstanding the obvious…. animals, kids, non-consenting parties, etc. Neither of us are into coprophilia, blood play, water sports, and the list goes on. So for the sake of simplicity when we talk I refer to working towards ‘no limits’ with him, but that is because I know that the limits we have are aligned and I don’t need to worry about him breaking them.

I do have a few limits that differ from him. The most glaring example is that he has a fantasy which involves another woman, and this woman and I would switch with each other. While I do have some switch tendencies, especially with women, I cannot wrap my head around Domming a woman, then later submitting to the same woman. But, this is something that I am potentially willing to explore at some point – but that point is still far off in the future.

Jumping into a BDSM relationship with ‘no limits’ is a terrifying concept! The fantasy is hot. Hell, even working towards pushing some limits into non-existence is hot, but that is a process that will span years of a relationship. Take your time, enjoy the process, build the required trust!

Doms: saying that you are looking for a sub with no limits is terrifying. It screams abuse. Not to mention, I am sure you, as a Dom, also have limits. That is okay…. encouraged even.
Subs: pretending that you have ‘no limits’ is not sexy and attractive. It will not make you more attractive to potential Doms. Respect yourself and your existence.

My husband and I are that couple, you know the one that everyone is jealous of? That’s us. Beautiful house, stable jobs, the cutest son, a cabin on the lake. We have everything that we could possibly want – the perfect life.

But there is always a dark secret hiding below the surface, mine is nothing sinister, I just want more. I have a kinky side. My husband tries to indulge me, but it just isn’t the same. I want to be able to submit, I want to know that the man I am with is enjoying himself; I want to lose myself in my submission and I can’t do that with my husband.

So yes, I have the perfect life – 95% of the time. I get it, marriage is hard and we all make sacrifices in our relationships, but the 5% I am sacrificing seems so fucking important. Then I met him. All I know is that 5%, fuck the rest – I already have all that. He makes me feel alive; he makes me see how just how important that 5% is. He needs this too, he is in the same situation as I am.

Five percent.

18 days.

How can I have it all? How can I keep my perfect life? The same way that he can.

Twice a year, we find a way to meet. 9 days together each time; 18 days per year – 5%

Eighteen days per year where we can both live out all of our fantasies. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. Most of the time we don’t even leave the hotel, there isn’t enough time to explore the world.

I was planning on saving this, waiting until some of my thoughts became more coherent, however, I think this is a good time following my rant on being called a gender traitor.

Like I mentioned in the previous post, I am submissive. And I am proud of that, there is no weakness in submission.
I wish I could find some reference material (not that I looked very hard), but I often hear that submissive men are powerful in their day-to-day life, that submission is a way to release, a way to finally relinquish control to someone else. Less often, I hear the same about submissive women. When it comes to women seems to be referred to as the “Alpha submissive”.
My Dom (which is not my husband, and we are in a long-distance relationship) is attracted to these kind of women. Intelligent, independent, strong… women who choose to submit, because that submission is a choice, a gift to be cherished.

Now, I can only speak to my own personal experiences… but which came first the chicken or the egg? Being submissive or being powerful in day-to-day life?
The common narrative suggests that powerful, strong, independent, intimidating is the natural personality of the submissive and submission is a way to decompress. I am sure that may be true for some people, but that narrative never really sat well with me. It was only recently that I realized why.

I was a shy kid, not really a leader, but I had enough confidence to say no if something was going down that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was opinionated, but too shy to speak up. When I was a teenager I started to realize my interest in BDSM and recognize my submissive streak.
This was a problem. At first, I had a hard time reconciling my submissive nature and my feminism. I believed that men and women should be equal so why was it so arousing to think of a man overpowering and dominating me? I began to view my submissiveness as weakness. The fact that I was reserved and shy meant that everyone must be able to see that I was submissive, right? Fuck, I had better find a way to hide this from people.

Fake it ’til you make it!
So I did. I faked confidence. I became outspoken and adopted a “fuck you” approach, I wasn’t going to do something just because I was told to, I would only do it if I agreed with the reasoning behind it. You say jump, I ask why?
I won’t lie, this approach has served me well in my life. And I am not faking it any more, it is who I am. But I am also submissive.
In my 20s I was finally able to reconcile the fact that I can be submissive to those I choose to submit to, while still holding respect and power in the rest of my life.

So, I wonder, how many other submissives feel this way? How many of us became powerful and respected in order to hide our submissive tendencies from other people? Yes submission is a way to let go and relinquish that control in a safe environment, but it is an integral part of who I am and how I identify.

This isn’t even a clickbait title, I got called a gender traitor today, and it wasn’t the first time.
Hardcore feminism today seems to have this notion that equality is only achieved when women are more powerful than men. This makes the battle between the sexes a zero-sum game; men were in the position of power for so long, now it is the time of women. Personally, this seems like a ridiculous concept. Why do men have to lose for women to gain?
These beliefs are the result of the hive-mind. I think that individually most people are rational and understand that equality is what is important and that there may be different ways to achieve that but, I digress…

I consider myself to be a pretty decent adult, I have a job, a kid, a house, you know… responsibilities that I take care of; I don’t need a partner in order to function in life. People respect me at my job, I am a leader, I stand up for people. So many of the things that I believe are essential to feminism at its core.
I am also kinky, into some pretty heavy BDSM, and I am strangely open about it. People I work with know – not the details, but some generalities. I was having a more in-depth conversation with a new woman at work and she asked for some specifics (and who am I not to share?). Well, the specifics are that I am pretty into 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) lifestyle (my husband is not, so I don’t get to practice this, but it would be an ideal for me).
We talked about what I would want in this lifestyle, which in a lot of ways would look like a 1950’s dynamic. I want to be responsible for most of the household chores, while my partner would get to sit and relax after work; I want to be punished if I don’t get those chores done. I want to have to ask permission to go out with my friends, and I want a curfew. I want my partner to be able to use me sexually when he wants without the ability to say no. And more…
Of course, I play responsibly! There would always be a safeword, therefore an element of consent. And I would only engage in this lifestyle with someone who I trust completely. Someone who respects me, my intelligence, and my independence.

Well, let me tell you, she was not thrilled to hear about my proclivities. The indigniation about how my choices set women back!
Fuck you!
They are my choices. I am free to choose whatever the fuck I want. Don’t tell me it’s “the patriarchy” making me believe that is what I want. Don’t infantilize me, I am a full-grown adult, capable of making my own fucking decisions.
Despite the fact that I want a 24/7 TPE domestic discipline lifestyle, I would never tolerate anyone telling me to be a housewife – that is not a life for me (but I have so much respect for women that can be a housewife/stay at home mom, I love my kiddo, but I need to work). I choose to submit, in a lot of ways, but I will never give up my independence.

Somewhere along the line, some feminists have lost sight of the fact that feminism is about equality, and that means the right to choose. If a woman chooses to stay at home and be financially dependant on her husband that is her right. It is equally as valid as the woman being the breadwinner while her husband stays home to take care of the children. Or maybe they both work and pay for a nanny. Who the fuck cares? As long as people are making the choices that are right for them.

Recently, I watched this TED Talk by Tarana Burke. I watched it at a volunteer gig of mine with some at-risk youth at a workshop on consent.
I was the first person to put up my hand upon completion of the video, and it was to say that I had a HUGE problem with Ms. Burke’s message about ending sexual violence. Cue awkward pause, and one of the presenters finally managing to stammer out, “Really? Why…?
(Yes, I may have been going for the dramatic entrance here… it’s just what I do)

I responded that I absolutely did not want an end to sexual violence. No one wanted an end to sexual violence (pause for dramatic effect). People, including myself, want an end to non-consensual sexual violence.
Lots of people like rough sex.
Lots of people enjoy BDSM, from the mildest to the most hardcore and taboo activities.
These are forms of sexual violence. I know people who use BDSM and consensual non-consent as a way to work through past sexual trauma.

A brief moment after my monologue (which was much longer and contained many more thoughts), one of the presenters suggested that Ms. Burke meant non-consensual sexual violence and that the watcher was to infer that from her talk.

I agree. Wholeheartedly.
Perhaps it is because I am a bit pedantic, but I think it is important to specify that one means non-consensual sexual violence and not just sexual violence. I can see well-meaning groups working towards a world without sexual violence and in the process criminalizing consensual activities between adults and further traumatizing some people.

Just my thoughts. I do think we need to work towards a world without sexual assault. I think we need to empower people, men and women, to be able to say and respect the word no. But eradicating sexual violence is not the way.