My husband and I are that couple, you know the one that everyone is jealous of? That’s us. Beautiful house, stable jobs, the cutest son, a cabin on the lake. We have everything that we could possibly want – the perfect life.

But there is always a dark secret hiding below the surface, mine is nothing sinister, I just want more. I have a kinky side. My husband tries to indulge me, but it just isn’t the same. I want to be able to submit, I want to know that the man I am with is enjoying himself; I want to lose myself in my submission and I can’t do that with my husband.

So yes, I have the perfect life – 95% of the time. I get it, marriage is hard and we all make sacrifices in our relationships, but the 5% I am sacrificing seems so fucking important. Then I met him. All I know is that 5%, fuck the rest – I already have all that. He makes me feel alive; he makes me see how just how important that 5% is. He needs this too, he is in the same situation as I am.

Five percent.

18 days.

How can I have it all? How can I keep my perfect life? The same way that he can.

Twice a year, we find a way to meet. 9 days together each time; 18 days per year – 5%

Eighteen days per year where we can both live out all of our fantasies. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. Most of the time we don’t even leave the hotel, there isn’t enough time to explore the world.

I was planning on saving this, waiting until some of my thoughts became more coherent, however, I think this is a good time following my rant on being called a gender traitor.

Like I mentioned in the previous post, I am submissive. And I am proud of that, there is no weakness in submission.
I wish I could find some reference material (not that I looked very hard), but I often hear that submissive men are powerful in their day-to-day life, that submission is a way to release, a way to finally relinquish control to someone else. Less often, I hear the same about submissive women. When it comes to women seems to be referred to as the “Alpha submissive”.
My Dom (which is not my husband, and we are in a long-distance relationship) is attracted to these kind of women. Intelligent, independent, strong… women who choose to submit, because that submission is a choice, a gift to be cherished.

Now, I can only speak to my own personal experiences… but which came first the chicken or the egg? Being submissive or being powerful in day-to-day life?
The common narrative suggests that powerful, strong, independent, intimidating is the natural personality of the submissive and submission is a way to decompress. I am sure that may be true for some people, but that narrative never really sat well with me. It was only recently that I realized why.

I was a shy kid, not really a leader, but I had enough confidence to say no if something was going down that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was opinionated, but too shy to speak up. When I was a teenager I started to realize my interest in BDSM and recognize my submissive streak.
This was a problem. At first, I had a hard time reconciling my submissive nature and my feminism. I believed that men and women should be equal so why was it so arousing to think of a man overpowering and dominating me? I began to view my submissiveness as weakness. The fact that I was reserved and shy meant that everyone must be able to see that I was submissive, right? Fuck, I had better find a way to hide this from people.

Fake it ’til you make it!
So I did. I faked confidence. I became outspoken and adopted a “fuck you” approach, I wasn’t going to do something just because I was told to, I would only do it if I agreed with the reasoning behind it. You say jump, I ask why?
I won’t lie, this approach has served me well in my life. And I am not faking it any more, it is who I am. But I am also submissive.
In my 20s I was finally able to reconcile the fact that I can be submissive to those I choose to submit to, while still holding respect and power in the rest of my life.

So, I wonder, how many other submissives feel this way? How many of us became powerful and respected in order to hide our submissive tendencies from other people? Yes submission is a way to let go and relinquish that control in a safe environment, but it is an integral part of who I am and how I identify.

This isn’t even a clickbait title, I got called a gender traitor today, and it wasn’t the first time.
Hardcore feminism today seems to have this notion that equality is only achieved when women are more powerful than men. This makes the battle between the sexes a zero-sum game; men were in the position of power for so long, now it is the time of women. Personally, this seems like a ridiculous concept. Why do men have to lose for women to gain?
These beliefs are the result of the hive-mind. I think that individually most people are rational and understand that equality is what is important and that there may be different ways to achieve that but, I digress…

I consider myself to be a pretty decent adult, I have a job, a kid, a house, you know… responsibilities that I take care of; I don’t need a partner in order to function in life. People respect me at my job, I am a leader, I stand up for people. So many of the things that I believe are essential to feminism at its core.
I am also kinky, into some pretty heavy BDSM, and I am strangely open about it. People I work with know – not the details, but some generalities. I was having a more in-depth conversation with a new woman at work and she asked for some specifics (and who am I not to share?). Well, the specifics are that I am pretty into 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) lifestyle (my husband is not, so I don’t get to practice this, but it would be an ideal for me).
We talked about what I would want in this lifestyle, which in a lot of ways would look like a 1950’s dynamic. I want to be responsible for most of the household chores, while my partner would get to sit and relax after work; I want to be punished if I don’t get those chores done. I want to have to ask permission to go out with my friends, and I want a curfew. I want my partner to be able to use me sexually when he wants without the ability to say no. And more…
Of course, I play responsibly! There would always be a safeword, therefore an element of consent. And I would only engage in this lifestyle with someone who I trust completely. Someone who respects me, my intelligence, and my independence.

Well, let me tell you, she was not thrilled to hear about my proclivities. The indigniation about how my choices set women back!
Fuck you!
They are my choices. I am free to choose whatever the fuck I want. Don’t tell me it’s “the patriarchy” making me believe that is what I want. Don’t infantilize me, I am a full-grown adult, capable of making my own fucking decisions.
Despite the fact that I want a 24/7 TPE domestic discipline lifestyle, I would never tolerate anyone telling me to be a housewife – that is not a life for me (but I have so much respect for women that can be a housewife/stay at home mom, I love my kiddo, but I need to work). I choose to submit, in a lot of ways, but I will never give up my independence.

Somewhere along the line, some feminists have lost sight of the fact that feminism is about equality, and that means the right to choose. If a woman chooses to stay at home and be financially dependant on her husband that is her right. It is equally as valid as the woman being the breadwinner while her husband stays home to take care of the children. Or maybe they both work and pay for a nanny. Who the fuck cares? As long as people are making the choices that are right for them.

Recently, I watched this TED Talk by Tarana Burke. I watched it at a volunteer gig of mine with some at-risk youth at a workshop on consent.
I was the first person to put up my hand upon completion of the video, and it was to say that I had a HUGE problem with Ms. Burke’s message about ending sexual violence. Cue awkward pause, and one of the presenters finally managing to stammer out, “Really? Why…?
(Yes, I may have been going for the dramatic entrance here… it’s just what I do)

I responded that I absolutely did not want an end to sexual violence. No one wanted an end to sexual violence (pause for dramatic effect). People, including myself, want an end to non-consensual sexual violence.
Lots of people like rough sex.
Lots of people enjoy BDSM, from the mildest to the most hardcore and taboo activities.
These are forms of sexual violence. I know people who use BDSM and consensual non-consent as a way to work through past sexual trauma.

A brief moment after my monologue (which was much longer and contained many more thoughts), one of the presenters suggested that Ms. Burke meant non-consensual sexual violence and that the watcher was to infer that from her talk.

I agree. Wholeheartedly.
Perhaps it is because I am a bit pedantic, but I think it is important to specify that one means non-consensual sexual violence and not just sexual violence. I can see well-meaning groups working towards a world without sexual violence and in the process criminalizing consensual activities between adults and further traumatizing some people.

Just my thoughts. I do think we need to work towards a world without sexual assault. I think we need to empower people, men and women, to be able to say and respect the word no. But eradicating sexual violence is not the way.