Unexpected and accidental pregnancies happen. It is no secret that my kiddo was an accident. It wasn’t an unwanted pregnancy, just unwanted at the time. I love her and I wouldn’t trade her for the world, but her conception caused a lot of stress. Here is my story…
My now-husband and I were never supposed to be a serious thing. I had just gotten out of long-term, borderline abusive, relationship and he was not my type; he was someone who was fun and the sex was great, someone to have casual fun with for a few months and then move on. We were both on the same page here, he wasn’t looking for anything serious either.
Turns out we had more in common than loving sex, we had a lot of common interests, and worldviews. So we fell into a relationship.
Four months after we started fucking, he got a contract to work out of town for three to six months, the money was good and he didn’t have a steady job so there was no way he was going to decline this offer. We decided that we enjoyed each others company enough that we would try long-distance while he was away. He would get a week of vacation time and I could go visit him.
It ended up working out well, two of his friends had vacation at the same time so myself and the other girlfriends went up to meet the boys. We spent three days together and had sex nine times. I remember saying to him just before I left that “we won,” because I was sure that we had the most sex.
A few weeks later, I was so goddamn tired! I thought I had mono… it was the only reasonable explanation, all I wanted to do was sleep. Then, my period was late. Not a huge deal, I have always been irregular, but I was on the pill so irregularity shouldn’t have been an issue.
I bought a pregnancy test, just to put my mind at ease because there was no way that I was pregnant. Oh, I was wrong…. Fuck.
As soon as I got the positive test I texted him (well, after a small anxiety attack and a lot of tears).
I prepared for his call, I knew he wouldn’t be expecting this news and I wasn’t sure how he was going to react. I did know that we had an open/non-monogamous relationship from the beginning and he had been out of town for the last two months, so I was prepared for him to ask me if the baby was his. I felt that this was a reasonable question given the circumstances. Given that I hadn’t had sex with anyone else, I was certain, but he wouldn’t know that, yet.
He called, I was right, he was not excited about the news. But to his credit, he did not ask if the baby was his, instead he asked if I did it on purpose!
What. The. Actual. Fuck!
Now, I think it is hilarious. At the time, I couldn’t believe that he thought I was crazy enough to try and baby-trap him.
He pushed for me to get an abortion.
I couldn’t do it. I was 25, well established in my career, owned my own home; I could support a child on my own if I had to, and I was prepared to do that if it was necessary.
Prior to this, we had the conversation of what would happen if I ended up pregnant. We remember the conversation very differently. He believed that I said I would get an abortion, I remember saying that while I support abortion rights, personally, I wouldn’t be able to do it.
He was scheduled to return home about three weeks after this. It was a tense three weeks, we mostly just avoided the whole topic. Once he was back home discussion resumed. He continued to push for an abortion, hard. At one point, I even agreed but said that I would completely blame him and that if I did go through with terminating the pregnancy then I never wanted to see him again.
Secretly, I hoped for a miscarriage so that I wouldn’t have to make this decision and it wouldn’t be my fault.
I ended up reaching out to a mutual friend of ours. I explained my reasons for being unable to get an abortion and said that I contemplated telling my husband that I got it done and never wanted to see him again, but then just raising the child on my own (yes, totally unethical, but I wasn’t thinking straight at the time). My friend told me that my husband deserved to know the truth. He was right.
I said that I was keeping the baby, but that I respected his decision to opt out of parenthood. I said that he had until I was twelve weeks to make a final decision and that if he decided to walk away, then I wouldn’t ask him for any support – financial or otherwise.
He came to the conclusion that he couldn’t know he had a child in the world and not be in that child’s life. We both understood that our relationship may or may not last, but that we would have to be in each other’s lives in some fashion. At this point, we decided that we still loved each other and we would continue our relationship.
Ten years later, we are still going strong. Of course, we have had our ups and downs. We can both admit that there have been certain events that would have been considered deal breakers to a relationship if we didn’t have a tiny human binding us together. So we have worked through some hard things. But we are happy.