First thing, I want to say… I got my husband to start listening to Whore Rapport! Win!
I found this episode fascinating, but I am having a hard time articulating my thoughts. So I apologize in advance if this post ends up a bit scattered. So here we go…
Taboo versus shame versus confusion.
Since I was young, I have fantasized about anal sex, at the time, I felt that it was super taboo and as a result felt a lot of shame around that aspect of my sexuality. I remember being at work one day, talking with a good friend who was only a year older than I was (we were probably 17/18 at the time) and she was like, “yeah, I’ve given up my Brown Belt. So what?”
I was absolutely shocked that she was so open about it and didn’t care what other people thought. Of course, this only increased my shame about my own thoughts…. why couldn’t I be as confident as her.
The conversation surrounding confusion versus shame was interesting. I could relate.
In high school I felt a lot of confusion around my sexuality, I was very sexual and enjoyed sex, but I was also a “good girl” – good grades, honours classes, extra credit, math geek. It is like the high school version of the Madonna-Whore complex. Good girls don’t have sex in high school. Good girls don’t enjoy giving blow jobs. But I did.
Shame in attraction
While I am talking about high school…. I started dating my ex-husband when we were 15. At that age, I didn’t realize that ethical non-monogamy was a thing, I believed that monogamy was the only acceptable relationship style. But I was always attracted to other people and I felt a lot of shame around that, why wasn’t my boyfriend good enough?
I ended up deciding that I was attracted to other people because my boyfriend was the only person I had ever been with, while he had dated other people. But there was still so much shame around even that.
Now, is there ever any shame about the people I am attracted to now?
Yes… and no.
I am often attracted to younger men, specifically because I find the idea of being dominated by someone younger than me hot as fuck. I love the humiliation aspect of it.
Is that shameful? I don’t know… I don’t feel shame about it. I know who I am and I am okay with it.
My last thoughts….
Love when Anya talks about having similar experiences to her father about subversively pushing societal norms. I feel the same way.
I am very open about being in an open relationship, and I do love the little moment of panic I see in people as they try to process.
I was at the doctor one day and asked for a full STI screening. My doctor is a lovely older gentleman and when I asked he said, “But you are married, right?” I confirmed that I was. He continued, “…in a monogamous relationship?” And I said no. He was speechless after that, but did do the STI screening. Sometimes I wonder if he thought I was cheating on my husband, or if he even considered the idea of ethical non-monogamy.